9 March 2016
My psychiatrist and I discussed hysterectomy and he asked whether I would be okay with being sterile. I explained that when I was 16, I went to see my GP about getting a mastectomy and hysterectomy. He said he remembers I told him a story like that before. I said, yup, I was OK with the idea of being sterile before then, at that time and it hasn’t changed now. It’s unlikely to change in the future. I told him straight out I don’t care about having biological kids.
Since that appointment, I’ve caught up on one of my TV shows and one of the characters I see a bit of myself in lamented over not being able to have children, he said “I think my biggest regret is not having kids.” I couldn’t place myself in his shoes at all. It was unfathomable. I tried but there was a resounding “NO!” throughout my bones.
I’ve received the support letter from my psychiatrist which I intend to get my GP to turn into a referral to use for Dr. Roger Perkins. Time to get the ball rolling!
Admittedly, I’m looking forward to going under anaesthesia again. Just knowing that I will be conked out to the world, while the surgeon works their technique on my body, moulding it to the shape it should be, helping me alleviate dysphoria… bringing me one step closer to completion. And the foggy daze afterwards, while it can be a little annoying, it’s great to just zone out, watch mindless Japanese game shows and be all doped up on pain meds. (what I did post-top-surgery, no regrets 10/10, would do again.)
10 March 2016
Also, to update, got my referral from the GP. Just have to make an appointment to see Dr. Roger Perkins, will do so today!
I faxed the GP referral and psych letter to Dr. Perkins office. Been doing more digging on hysto experiences, what to expect post-op, etc.
The general consensus is you’re back to normal after a week or 2 such as light walking. No heavy lifting or strenuous exercise for 6-14 weeks, some say.
The CO2 they will use to expand my belly to see everything is gonna be soooo much fun!
I heard of someone who was a day or so post-op from hysto and they went for a brisk walk with their partner and dog, claiming to feel fine. I was cringing while reading it!
I will rest and spend the two weeks of school holidays just chilling in bed and catching up on my tv shows! I’m sure my spoilt princess of a cat, Sammi will be delighted and snuggle up to me in bed.
I kind of worry. They use those long metal larascopic machine tools. One of them goes through the bellybutton, but I have a tiny belly button! Half an inch small-small!
I can just imagine the kind of dialogue while I’m under for surgery, …
“This is so tight.”
“That’s what she saaaaaid!”
*Insert groans of disapproval*
4 April 2016
Consultation for hysto is tomorrow.
So excited! I really hope its possible to book the surgery ASAP like the week after consultation. If not and I have to take 1-2 weeks off class, I’d rather avoid missing class but I can catch up.
6 April 2016
Aside from the hiccup of my alarm not going off. Since I’m deaf, I rely on a “Shake-Awake” vibrate alarm I put in my pillowcase, under my pillow.
Either I don’t think I set it properly in my exhausted state when I went to bed last night or I was in such a deep sleep that it went off but wasn’t strong enough to wake me up. I think it’s the former.
I arrived at the clinic and gave me all the forms I had to fill out. Once that was done, Dr. Perkins took me to his office.
He asked what I was looking to have done, I said total hysterectomy with removal of both ovaries and fallopian tubes. He went straight into discussing the surgery, what they use, the laparoscopic instruments, had a little booklet that had colour illustrations of the procedures. I thought that was cool, that it was in colour and everything haha.
He explained what they do in surgery, put me to sleep, put a tube down my throat to breathe for me, a catheter in that will be taken out the morning after surgery, they will inject a needle into my abdominal cavity to inject CO2 into it to give space to see what they’re doing, then they will put the ports in and away they go. I had already learned about all that with the research but it was cool to have an internal checklist and checking off everything he said that I knew about already.
I was worried about my bellybutton being too small for the laparoscopic instruments to be pushed through, he said they don’t actually go into the bellybutton, just slightly below it.
Dr. Perkins asked if I was aware of the outcomes of the surgery, what it meant for my body. Whether I had any doubts. I said I had no doubts, he said, “That’s okay, you don’t have any desire to give birth in a female form, I can appreciate that.”
He explained pre-op blood test would have to be done and a pelvis ultrasound (since I only had 2013 and 2014 results with me haha) which is all part of making sure that there are no issues before going into surgery, like anything in my blood or any cysts inside my body. Which is understandable, it’s better to be safe than sorry.
He went into the risks associated with the surgery, because it’s invasive surgery, there’s risk as of with any other surgery. The risks are possibly nicking any of the other organs in the general vicinity, the bowels, the bladder, some tube that goes to the bladder (?). He said he’s only had 2 cases where they had to go in and he’s been practising 20 years. So if something happens, there will be an incision made to open up the abdominal wall and the urologist will be called in to fix whatever has happened. He reassured me that they will do their best and they always make sure everything is out of the way (e.g. bladder, bowels) before going ahead and hopefully, there won’t be any need to open me up mid-surgery because that’s just bad for everyone involved.
I DON’T HAVE TO DO A BOWEL PREP! He said that they’ve stopped doing that pre-surgery as it doesn’t show any indication of bettering or worsening the surgery outcome if you do or don’t do it. He said they will give me stool softeners post-op if I have issues with constipation, from the pain meds or surgery itself. Fun times.
He got the item code on the computer and gave me a nice coloured information guide sheet about hysterectomy. So flash, much wow. So high-end. Haha.
The receptionist gave me hospital form, got me to fill out a pre-operative anaesthetist questionnaire and … *drumroll*
I ended up booking the surgery for May 10th! Post-op appointment at 31st May. Ok, so it’s not like next week like I hoped but I sort of knew that would just be wishful thinking haha.
I get two weeks of class after the holidays to catch up on any up-coming work, I’m already ahead as it is so I may as well get ahead and not have to worry about catching up when I get back.
He said 2-3 weeks of no work. I said I was a full-time student, he said, “Oh, okay, well you could have two weeks off and go back third week, you may be a bit tender but ideally three weeks is to be on the safe side.”
Three weeks off school, bring it on. My cat, Sammi will be thrilled to have me at home and watch TV with me haha. I’d rather be safe than sorry but depends on how I feel. The last thing I want is to be eager too soon and fuck up the healing process.
Now I’ll be counting down the days, using the upcoming school holidays to get well ahead of school work and just try not to squee over the fact that 10 years have passed since I first spoke of my desire to have a hysterectomy to rid myself of these things and IT’S FINALLY BECOMING A REALITY!
9 May 2016
With one sleep to go, there’s been a lot going on my mind.
First things first, the past few weeks, things have shifted for me sexuality/libido/sex drive-wise. Here are the things I have noticed:
- I no longer use the front hole anymore. It is dead and devoid of sensation.
- The previous fantasies I used to get off on (e.g. rape, virginity forcibly taken, forced impregnation, etc.) are no longer as intense as before.
- I find I am having feelings of wanting to be the do-er. It’s a big thing because I never used to be interested in this before, as it was forced upon me by others.
- While I feel a shift to want to be a do-er, it doesn’t mean my desire to bottom is gone. I feel like I could be a “switch”, one who can be top or bottom.
- Still not interested in love, sex or relationships. The shifts in my sexual feelings has been largely beneficial to me and in my ongoing journey of loving myself. One day, relationships may be possible, just not now.
Admission for surgery is tomorrow morning at 7AM, I have to get up at 5:30AM to have a shower, leave the house at 6AM to get to the train in order to reach the hospital by 7AM. I’m feeling nervous and excited. Two nights in the hospital, fun fun! My cat, Sammi will miss me terribly but she will be delighted that I’ll be home for three weeks recuperating lol.
10 years. 10 fucking years since I was 16 when I first told my GP I wanted these things removed. At 26, it will be such a relief to get these parts removed, to no longer have to go for pap smears, ultrasounds, etc. Apparently, weight loss is common after hysto too.
Looking forward to that nice cocktail of drugs, the cold tingling up my arm before lights go out. The daziness of coming to, watching Japanese game shows for giggles (did that post-top surgery, it was so funny, hope to do it again.)
Just not looking forward to the bleeding after. Haha, it will be like periods all over again. I’d like to say it’ll be the last “period” but it won’t be as phalloplasty will have some bleeding as well. Inevitable as it’s all part of reconstructive surgery.
Kinda curious about waking up with a catheter in me. I’ve never had it done before. Would be interesting and it’d be insight on how that feels inside me to carry with me into phalloplasty in the future.
I have thought of getting metoidioplasty in Serbia before moving to the UK. But unfortunately, after doing some research, doing phallo after metoidioplasty increases the risk of urinary complications.
I’ll check in tomorrow while I’m on the train.
10 May 2016
THE DAY OF SURGERY!!
I was overwhelmed with emotions while waiting in the pre-op room. It felt surreal up until that point and the reality sunk in, those parts are finally leaving the confines of my body and my mind.
A catheter was weird. I woke up in recovery, really wanting to pee lol and the nurses told me I didn’t have to do anything, to just relax. Its so weird to be peeing but not feeling the muscle pushing pee out.
I am getting quickly bored laying in bed though. I never thought I’d get restless. I will ask the nurse to see if I can go for a walk.
Had a bit of a scare earlier. The nurses woke me up, took my BP and found my resting pulse was 115 which caused them concern. They said they would check again in 45 minutes. Dr. Perkins came in after, asked how I was doing, said the surgery went very well. He checked the dressings on the lower abdomen and said everythings looking good. I mentioned the resting pulse being 115 and he checked the site again, pressing gently, asked if it hurt, I said no. He says I have excellent colour in my face, no signs of bleeding internally (my stomach would be hard but it’s soft) and my blood pressure is perfect. He says anathesia can sometimes make people’s pulse go slow or fast but he will keep an eye on it.
A hemotologist came in to take a vial of my blood (god damn vampires ) and a nurse explained that Dr. Perkins has ordered labs to be taken to see if there is any internal bleeding, he doesn’t think there is but wants to be 100% sure. I thought that was smart, its better to be safe than sorry.
Also, they used liquid on my belly and it stained the skin pink. They assured me it washes off but I’m okay with it, I get to be a pink alien!!!
11 May 2016
Pain is increasing, got given some of the good stuff. (Two tablets of Endone which is oxy I think.)
Update 1: Pain is manageable now. Got the catheter taken out, was surprised at how painless the removal was. I also had the dang leg pressure pumps removed, thank God!!! Now I just have to pee so they can check it and do an ultrasound of my bladder to make sure everything is okay. I may do a tinkle after breakfast.
Update 2: Okay so I did two pees but they were both under 100mls and they wanted bigger pees so they told me to drink more water and hold it in. Next pee I did, it was 400mls, the nurse checked my bladder via ultrasound to make sure it was empty and it was. Had to do another big pee, next one was 350mls. Checked via ultrasound and bladder is empty. They are confident that my bladder has recovered from surgery and no longer need to measure the pee anymore.
Just chilling in hospital bed, getting dozy from the pain meds so might snooze for a bit.
12 May 2016
Getting discharged this morning!
14 May 2016
Healing is sloooow. The numbness is wearing off and the bellybutton incision is making its existence loud and clear. The surgeon said that one would hurt the most as its a bigger incision than the others.
15 May 2016
Bed rest is driving me a little stir crazy. Watching YouTube on my TV, something I haven’t set up before but super excited to have working. Sammi (my cat) is enjoying my time at home and is currently snuggled next to me.
Disclaimer: Poop talk
I am taking the recommended dose of Laxacon satchets and fluids to encourage bowel movements. I woke up this morning and got out of bed, I got the usual tightness in the lower abdomen but got this fullness feeling in my lower back like its all backed up. I went to the toilet, managed to pass a bit but not all of it. Didn’t want to strain myself but will gather it will take a few days for my body to get back into working order. The nurses did say it would take my bowels some time to get moving again.
I did eat some curry for dinner tonight. Usually this curry is very quick at making me have diarrhea lol but nothing of that nature has happened yet. Damn it!
Poop talk over…!
I am smiling whenever I look at my reflection. My weight loss has made my body look so much better in my eyes. The flaws are shrinking away from my eyes. My face is losing the round chubby look, looking slimmer… after I left the hospital, I didn’t shave for two days so when I got home, I noticed my facial hair was lighter and not dark, proof that the IPL sessions are doing its magic!
Belly button incision and incision off to the right of belly button is most sore. The two incisions below the belly button are fine, not a peep out of them. I do notice the incision off to the right of belly button and two below belly button are having instances of being itchy. Good sign! They are healing and they are all small incisions. The belly button is slightly bigger, no doubt that one will take a bit longer to heal.
16 May 2016
Sleep patterns is messed up again. I go to sleep at 11-12, wake up at 3, unable to fall asleep until 4, sometimes past 4 o’clock. Fall asleep and wake at 9.
Happened prior to surgery, unsure what’s causing this.
Happened after surgery too. I found out a tv show airs Yokai Watch at 3am. How does that work? Kids are asleep!
19 May 2016
Took the bandages off as they weren’t peeling off naturally as they should have been in the showers I’ve had.
Incisions so tiny but boy, are they sensitive to the slighest touch of fabric!
I’m so used to seeing the bandages there that it’s weird seeing my belly button haha.